Valentine’s Day is but a week away. Any plans? If they involve reading, then I have a list of suggestions for you at the bottom of this post.
As for me, I expect we shan’t be going to a fancy restaurant or the cinema, ice skating or laughing in the park because we don’t have any of those things on the island. If we do go out, it will either be to the bar where two TVs play at once, or to the café by the playground where there’s always a children’s party to go with your onion rings, or we’ll go to our taverna for some chips, which is about all they cook at this time of year. Chips and liver.
I am wondering, though, if and how I could use Valentine’s Day as a background theme to one of my mysteries. (Let’s shorten it to VD; it’s easier to type.) It’s been done before, as you will see from the list below, but there’s no reason VD can’t be used as a theme/background/plot device in an original way.
I went to have a look at the National Newspaper Archive to see what the nation’s thoughts were on VD in 1894. By then, the sending of cards was very popular, and VD was celebrated. There are articles in the papers telling us that it is not as well observed as it used to be, in a religious sense, but the exchange of fancy, anonymous cards and greetings on VD was popular. Poems were much involved, too, especially in Britain.
I found this, then, current thought in the Aberdeen Express, on February 14th, 1894, and it made me smile.
To-day (sic) is St Valentine’s Day, and we notice, with great regret, that here, there and everywhere in print, ancient and very superstitious doings are advocated, by means of which the gentle saint is to aid and abet lovers and other foolish folks. We need not point out to our readers that all these things betoken vanity and gross ignorance, and that the only correct way of invoking the aid of the “holy blessed martyr” is to place two bay leaves, after sprinkling them with rose-water, across a pillow, and repeat the formula:
Good Valentine be kind to me, In dream let me my true love see.
I imagined that was written by a strict and dour Scotsman of some cloth or other (we notice with great regret… superstitious doings… vanity and gross ignorance). Lots of bluster and fear of God behind the voice. But then, he made me laugh by cutting his dour tone and telling us how to cast a spell. Maybe he wasn’t a man of the church after all.
What he gives us is an idea for something you could do on Valentine’s Day, and if you don’t have a special someone whose pillows you could sprinkle, then surprise a neighbour, or even a stranger. I am sure it would lighten their day.
Enough silliness. I am away to beaver away on Delamere Eleven, but I will leave you with the list – the promo list of 30 titles where Valentines come in the guise of murderers and assassins.
Click, browse and share, and I’ll get back to chapter ten…
Killer Valentines: MM Assassins and Murderers
Genres: General Fiction / LGBT and Romance / LGBT
There are 30 titles, including Deviant Desire, which is one of only a few historical fiction-themed covers, as far as I can see. It’s hard to see what with so much naked flesh also going on… Looks like there’s a mix of genres within the MM murderings.
The other day, someone asked me to comment on their book blurb. I did, and in doing so, reminded myself of a post I had written in 2020. I thought now was a good time to repost that post, because nothing has changed. People are still asking me to advise on their blurbs. Perhaps I should charge next time?
Maybe not. So, here’s the post from before and as relevant now as it was then.
Recently, I noticed a few new writers on Facebook groups asking for advice about their blurbs and putting up some examples of what they had come up with. I found myself cringing at some and being impressed by others, and thought I would talk about the way I write mine. This short guide is about what I do. Whether you decide this is a good way to do it, or whether you think, ‘Hm, I’ll avoid his advice,’ it’s up to you.
So, what is a blurb?
A blurb, also known as a book description, is found on the inside back cover of a hardback, on the back cover of a paperback and/or on the Amazon page under the product description. It’s the thing that a potential reader usually looks at after they’ve been impressed by your cover, or not. It’s your story in a nutshell and is probably the hardest thing to write after a logline. You are condensing your book into 150 to 200 words, after all, but you are doing so much more than that.
Start with a Logline
A logline is perhaps more of a filmmaker’s term, and it aims to reduce the film/story into even fewer words. When I write my books, I desperately fight to come up with a logline first, so I know what my story is, and then using that line as my focus to keep myself on track.
Yeah, right, well… Often I come up with it halfway through or at the end, because by then, I actually know what the story is about because the characters have taken over, but that’s me, and that’s novel writing. Film loglines, however, are a good place to start when writing a blurb because they help you focus.
An example of a logline would be: The ageing patriarch of an organised crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son. (The Godfather)
Loglines are not to be confused with taglines, the publicity headings if you like. A tagline would be ‘In space, no one can hear you scream’ (Alien), or, ‘There are 3.7 trillion fish in the sea. They’re looking for one.’ (Finding Nemo).
A logline for my new release (due out on Monday/Tuesday of next week) might be: ‘A Ukrainian refugee and the son of an Irish immigrant meet, bond, and become sex workers in Victorian London.‘
That’s a very simple outline of ‘Banyak & Fecks’ but is the overarching story, therefore should be the basis of the blurb.
From Logline to Blurb
Do you know what your story is about, or do you only know what happens? A blurb isn’t a synopsis. Well, it is, kind of, but it’s not a full synopsis. It’s 150 to 200 words that a) introduce your main characters, b) set the stage for your conflict, c) establish the stakes/risks, d) show the reader why they will like this book. Simple, eh?
No, not really.
Here’s a made-up example of what I consider a bad blurb based on a few I have read. “Jack searches for love and has a one night stand with Jock that leads to them becoming insta-lovers, but Jess gets jealous and kills Jack in a brawl the next day. Jock yearns for his lost love like a teenager with raging hormones. Will he ever find happiness?”
For a start, I am already confused between Jack, Jock and Jess. However ‘insta-lovers’ suggests a bit of nookie might happen as long as we understand the modernism, ‘insta.’ We know one of them gets killed, so that’s that tension gone, but who are these people and what chemicals were they taking? ‘A teenager with raging hormones searching for love?’ What does that mean? After that, I didn’t care who found love and moved on.
It’s difficult. In fact, writing a blurb is more difficult than writing a 120k word novel or a 100-word synopsis. I just took another look at my ‘Banyak & Fecks’ blurb and realised I’d written 196 words, which is a bit over the top, but I also noticed I’d cheated.
How? Well, I’ve put certain information outside of the book description, but I reckon that’s okay because that info will be for the Amazon page, and people will have read that before buying the paperback, so I don’t need it on the back. Your Amazon book description can give more information than you book blurb, and so, is a convenient space in which you can expand your sales pitch and description.
The ‘cheated’ info runs:
‘Banyak & Fecks’ ends the day before the first Clearwater Mystery, ‘Deviant Desire‘ begins. It is a story of friendship and platonic love set in Greychurch, the imaginary Whitechapel of the Clearwater world. Extensively researched, readers are taken from the Russian steppe and the Wirral slums to the squalor of the East End in the late 1880s.
[Genre: Historical Bromance]
[‘The Clearwater Mysteries.’ Historical MM Romance, mystery and adventure.]
You don’t need all that on the back of your book, but it’s excellent information to put on Amazon, your blog, publicity, social media etc.
My Blurb Advice Based on My Learning Curve
What you do need is a brief outline of who, what, and why. Who is/are the main character(s)? What’s the tension, conflict, interest? Why does the book appeal?
1 Keep it simple. Don’t give in to temptation and outline the entire story. 2 Use power words. (See below.) 3 Think, ‘Who am I writing for/selling to.’ 4 Remember, you know who/what you’re talking about – but the potential readers don’t. 5 Don’t be indulgent. The blurb doesn’t show off what a great novelist you are or how cleverly you use words. If anything, it should show off how succinctly you can write, how objective you can be, and how good a salesperson you are.
Here’s an example of a blurb
I am not saying it’s the best example, but this is the blurb for my best-selling novel, ‘Deviant Desire.’ That’s bestselling for me, not as in ‘New York Times bestseller or anything. I’ve put notes in brackets and power words in bold. Power words are things like fear instead of ‘are scared of’, and kill rather than ‘attack.’ Murder or disembowel might have been even better.
Deviant Desire taken apart:
Deviant Desire blurb on Amazon
The Victorian East End (time and place) lives in fear of the Ripper (tension) and his mission to kill rent boys. (Character setting general. This opening line also sets the overall atmosphere and theme.)
Silas Hawkins, nineteen and forging a life on the streets (main character 1) could well be the next victim, (personal danger) but when he meets Archer, his life changes forever. (How? Why? Interest in what comes next.) Young, attractive and rich, Archer is The Viscount Clearwater, a philanthropist, adventurer and homosexual. (Main character 2, conflict between classes, sexy man suggesting ‘Mr Right.’ Homosexual isn’t the best or most powerful word, but ‘gay’ didn’t exist in that context in 1888. Even ‘homosexual’ was only used in the professional medical world, but there you go.)
When Archer suspects the Ripper is killing to lure him to a confrontation, (Why? Who is the Ripper?) he risks his reputation and his life (what’s at stake MC 1) to stop the madman’s murders. (Summary of action plot.) Every man must play his part, including Silas. (What’s at stake, MC 2) Secrets must be kept, lovers must be protected, and for Archer and Silas, it marks the start of their biggest adventure – love. (That lot doesn’t tell us what happens, it suggests what might happen and, hopefully, our imagination is stirred.)
There then follows on Amazon pages only:
A mashup of mystery, romance and adventure, (tells the potential reader if this is their kind of thing) Deviant Desire is set in an imaginary London of 1888. (Imaginary to show we’re not taking a new look at Jack the Ripper, so Ripperologists don’t get offended.) The first book in the on-going The Clearwater Mysteries series (shows there are more, and if you enjoy this one, your investment will pay off) and mixes fact with fiction. The series takes the theme of loyalty and friendship in a world where homosexuality is a crime. (Covers the overall series without going into detail, and says what kind of books follow, though not what stories.)
Insta-love, physical romance, mystery and murder. (A general covering of ‘tropes’ a word I dislike but a necessary evil.)
Some writers also put ‘triggers’ but, to be honest, with power words such as murder, Ripper, homosexual, and physical romance, you’d have to be pretty dim not to pick up on the fact this is going to be a gay murder thriller with some sex in it. ‘Physical romance’ is there because it’s best not to mention ‘sex’ on Amazon pages, they get funny about things like that.
DS Billings Mystery series box set
Another thing you can do on the Amazon page is put quotes from reviews of the book, or others in a series. You’ll see that’s what I’ve done for Deviant Desire’ and others. For ‘Banyak & Fecks’, I am lucky enough to have a quote from Olivier Bosman, author of the DS Billings Victorian Mysteries.
“A colourful and enchanting tale. Beautifully written. Marsh does an excellent job of evoking the look and feel of a different age.”
Again, I’m not saying I am the expert on writing blurbs; I am simply passing on my experience. If you want professional advice from trained educators, you can easily find it through an online search.
Did you know there’s a ‘Smutfest’ running this weekend, where 40+ books are being offered either at a reduced price or for free for this weekend only? I have the link for you below.
I have a title in this collection, ‘The Mentor of Wildhill Farm’ was the first book I wrote when I decided to become Jackson Marsh, and it’s a far cry from what I am currently writing. (More news about the current Work in progress for you on Wednesday, and it’s exciting news, too.)
‘Wildhill Farm’ is probably the smuttiest book I’ve written, although ‘smut’ doesn’t seem quite the right word; sexiest, naughtiest, the one with the most erotic encounters in it… Something like that. When I set about writing it, I thought more about the characters and what they would get up to rather than a plot or similar. Unlike other Mentor books, there’s no villain, as such, and there’s no great storyline other than the one outlined in the blurb.
Camden Stevens, a forty-two-year-old writer with a passion for younger men, is invited to mentor four gay youths at an isolated farmhouse. His students are budding writers in their late teens, all keen to explore their creativity — and sex. Camden must mentor them in both, and expects them to work hard.
What he doesn’t expect is a youth like Gabriel, and what he doesn’t know is that the man who set up this fantasy-come-true has a motive of his own.
[Here’s the universal link to the book itself, currently available for free until Sunday night. The Mentor of Wildhill Farm]
To Chest or Not to Chest?
When you take a look at the list of titles in this weekend’s special promo, you’ll see an awful lot of bare chests. The book covers should come as no surprise, as they are classic staples of gay erotica and spicy romance genre cover images that we’ve come to expect. Bare chests (muscled, of course, have you ever seen a larger model on such a cover?), handsome face, usually young, chiselled features, braces, firemen, etc., and behind it all, some much-loved tropes and themes. MMM Straight to Gay. First time. BDSM. Vampires. Holiday romance. Age gap (like ‘Wildhill Farm’). Dark taboo… Everything you could want. Click the banner to find the Smutfest and fill your kinky boots with loads of free/reduced-price reading.
Something simple today. The cover for the Delamere Files Book Ten, ‘A Depraved Indifference,’ as created by the wonderful Andjela K.
All being well, the book will be published this week, so keep an eye on your Amazon notifications and my Facebook page.
UPDATE: 29th October. The Kindle version of the book is now available. Click here.
If you have not yet subscribed to my newsletter, you can do so here and be among the first to receive news of my books and other authors’ work in special free-to-browse promos. Talking of which, I have another for you after the cover reveal, which I will do after reminding you of the blurb:
A Depraved Indifference
The Delamere Files Book Ten
Jack Merrit longs for a case more challenging than burglaries and missing jewels, and when someone finds a skeleton inside a pipe organ, his wish comes true. At first, the strange discovery in the church of St Clement Danes seems like a prank, but when Jack’s next call is to a crime within earshot of the bells of St Martin’s, an uneasy pattern emerges.
Oranges and lemons say the bells of St Clement’s You owe me five farthings, say the bells of St Martin’s
And then, the murders start.
If the first is chance, a second becomes a coincidence, but a third? That’s a pattern, and these are no ordinary murders. They involve diabolical contraptions that kill seemingly random victims. Asked by both London police forces to investigate without being told why, Jack and his men embark on an investigation knowing where the killer will strike next, but not when.
When the killer invites Jack to join his game, a contest of intellect begins, and knowing failure will lead to disgrace, he pits himself against his most cunning adversary so far.
PROMOS
MM Romance & Fiction There are 22 MM titles here, some, like mine, you may already know, but there are others I’ve not seen advertised before. Plus, there are some new authors to explore and a variety of niches within MM romance.
LGBTQIA+ Characters in Romance (All Pairings Welcome)
There are all manner of pairings within the realm of queer romance. KC Karmine is doing things with tentacles, Ann Lister is Pitch Perfect, and I have the Mentor of Lonemarsh House in the list. It’s a trifle awkward that on the row below that book is another using the same model in the same pose (it’s the same stock photo). Strangely, the book is called ‘Without Respect,’ which I find strangely fitting for the placement of our two novels.
Here’s a note for anyone else who might have published a book or two, and it’s about the way scummy scammers are using AI to make money. Here’s the start of an email I received this morning:
I recently explored *Snake Hill (The Delamere Files Book 9)*, and I was captivated by the way you weave suspense, rural legends, and complex character dynamics into this installment. The tension around the mysterious disappearances, the fire snake folklore, and the responsibility placed on both Jack and Simeon makes this book an engrossing read for fans of crime and mystery. Even with such a thrilling narrative, it seems this book hasn’t yet reached he wider audience it could captivate…
Do they think I am daft? Explored a book? What, you set out from the Royal Geographical Society with a brief to…? The rest of it is generated by an AI thing using my blurb, the text you can read on Amazon, which I wrote. All the person behind this is doing is generating dodgy text based on a book’s blurb, and having their system send out an email. These things then go with text like: Have you found it challenging to connect *Snake Hill* with readers who would enjoy the depth of your series, the unfolding mysteries, and the suspenseful twists…
This email suggested I contact ‘Mary’ and, like most, it promised promotion leading to untold wealth. It wanted me to reply and beg them to help me publicise the book(s). Then, what they would do is take my money and get AI to send out a few random spams to random email addresses and move on to the next victim.
Bring the Past to Life with Historical Fiction
I am now receiving at least one of these emails every day, But, because I use Mailwasher, I see them before they get to my laptop, not that they are dangerous or anything, but Mailwasher comes with various commands. I can permanently mark and report the email address as spam, and I can also bounce it back, so the person/machine at the other end thinks my email address doesn’t work. Hehe.
I don’t reply because I will only get more spam from the same AI if I do, but I’d love to reply: ‘So, tell me, as you have read the book and see its potential, can you tell me, a) what is the first full sentence on page 213? And b) why you started a series at book nine and not book one?
I bet, for every one of me (who is slightly experienced in this self-publishing game) there is a newbie out there who falls for this trick and parts with money because their book isn’t selling as well as they thought it would – and they thought it would because AI wrote it for them. Believe me, I have published over 40 full-length novels (every word of which I have written myself), and without a massive publisher and their publicity machine, you ain’t going to make a living, so don’t waste your cash on AI-generated spammers.
Well, my dears, it’s here. The front cover for Delamere nine, ‘Snake Hill.’ Hang on, though, or as Baxter would say, Hold your pony, mate, not so fast. First you have to promise to click the promo link and check out a few titles that should open on another page.
MM & MM+ Romance
You’ll find 179 MM titles in this collection of MM romances. So many topless hunks I don’t know where to start. Maybe with one of my own, and ‘The Mentor of Wildhill Farm,’ probably, of all my 50 books, the one with the most heat. In fact, it’s probably 60% heat, and the rest is story. It was my first Jackson Marsh and has a twist at the end you either love or hate.
Click the banner
Wildhill Farm
Talking of the Mentor of Wildhill Farm, yes, it was my first ‘go’ at a queer romance, though there’s more heat than there is romance, and I had an idea towards the end to turn it into a series set in the same place. Then, I realised that it would soon be repetitive, and decided it was the place that was important. However, also vital was the old/younger mentor/mentee pairing, but that couldn’t always happen in the same location, so… Barrenmoor Ridge, Lonemarsh House, Lostwood Hall came next (maybe not exactly in that order), and onwards to other standalones like ‘The Stoker Connection’ which gave me a chance to play with ‘Dracula’, as it were, and to relive something from my teens. (I used to work in the theatre where the two MCs meet.) You can find all my titles here.
Anyway, I’m wandering from the point. The cover for Snake Hill, where is it? What is it? What’s the blurb?
The cover is coming in a moment, but as for what is it? That will become apparent when you read it, which I hope you can start to do next week – soon, at any rate. What’s the blurb? Here’s the blurb:
Albert Arbon collapses at Delamere House after a three-day trek. His only son, Robert, has vanished after seeing a strange light in the Suffolk sky, and Arbon is desperate to find him.
Detectives Jack and Baxter, with young Simeon, accompany Arbon back to his remote Suffolk farmhouse, only to find themselves faced with a combination of rural legends seemingly tied to a series of unsettling events. A body lies inexplicably in the middle of an untouched wheat field. Other children have gone missing. There is talk of a ‘fire snake’, and no-one dare share the secrets of what can be seen from Snake Hill.
As the investigation deepens, Jack must navigate more than the mystery. He must also face the burdens of responsibility — not only for uncovering the truth and doing the right thing, but also for guiding Simeon, a boy on the cusp of manhood, who’s willing to risk everything to prove himself.
The next Delamere book, ‘Snake Hill’, mostly takes place in Suffolk. To keep things as authentic as I could, I trawled around for a dictionary of Suffolk words and phrases, and came upon:
A Glossary of Words Used in East Anglia (1895)
Author: Rye, Walter (1843-1929)
The subtitle reads, Founded on that of Forby. With Numerous Corrections and Additions. It was published for the English Dialect Society by Henry Frowde, and the version I used was transcribed by Universidad de Salamanca.
You know how I like dialect. ‘Holywell Street’ comes with Baxter’s glossary, if you ned to revise his East End expressions, but in ‘Snake Hill’, we have an East Anglian glossary. For those who may not know:
East Anglia is an area of the East of England often defined as including the counties of Norfolk, Suffolk and Cambridgeshire, with parts of Essex sometimes also included.
The name derives from the Anglo-Saxon kingdom of the East Angles, a people whose name originated in Anglia (Angeln), in what is now Northern Germany. East Anglia is a predominantly rural region and contains mainly flat or low-lying and agricultural land. [Wiki]
So, ahead of publication, here are some of the words I have used in the story. I put this here so you can do some background reading before the book arrives on your Kindle or doormat later in the month.
Badly In ill health. Sometimes sadly badly.
Barley-bird The nightingale, which comes to us in the season of sowing barley.
Biddie Young chicken.
Black Shuck In English folklore, Black Shuck, Old Shuck, Old Shock or simply Shuck is the name given to a ghostly black dog.
Brank Buckwheat
Buck To spring or bound with agility.
Carre A stoat.
Clamp A mound of earth lined with straw to keep potatoes or mangold wurzel through the winter.
Clevers, or Cluvers Tussocks or tufts of coarse grass.
Closen Enclosed fields; plural of close.
Clutter Confusion, disorder.
Cob-boy One who is between boy and man.
Dere Dire, sad.
Doker A diminutive used with respect to young animals.
Duffy dow Young pigeon not fully fledged.
Fleck The down of hares or rabbits torn off by the dogs.
Flick Hare’s or rabbit’s down.
Heads and Holls Prominences and hollows tumbled confusedly together.
Hingle To snare. Poachers hingle hares and rabbits.
Hoven Swollen.
Huckle To bend down with pain.
Jug To squat, and nestle close together, as partridges at night.
Mamble To eat with seeming indifference.
Maul Clayey or marly solid, adhering to the spade or ploughshare.
Mawth-dog The phantom of a dog (in Norfolk).
Mewting The whistling of a boy without any regard or idea of time or harmony.
Mump A hop and a jump.
Nabble To gnaw.
Needles A common weed among corn.
Pin basket The youngest child in a family.
Plounce To plunge with a loud noise.
Quackle To interrupt breathing.
Ranny The shrew-mouse. (Plural, rannies.)
Ravary A violent mad fit of passion.
Roblet A young cock.
Sadly Badly Very ill.
Smouching men Smugglers (Smouch, 1) to kiss 2) to smuggle.
Smuddered Smothered. Choked to death.
Springer A youth.
Stour Stiff or stout.
Tom Poker The great bugbear and terror of naughty children, who inhabits dark closets, holes under the stairs.
Traptles The small pellets of the dung of sheep, hares, rabbits, &c.
Trunket A game at ball, played with short sticks.
Wiff/Wiffing The sudden turning of a hare when coursed. Wishly Earnestly, wishfully, with longing.
I want to quote from two emails I received yesterday. I have put what was sent in italics to make it easier to differentiate between my bleating and theirs. Here’s the first line:
Thank you for writing Holywell Street a story that doesn’t just confront hidden darkness but does so with an emotional undercurrent that lingers.
Apparently, I’ve confronted hidden darkness. If I’ve confronted it, it can’t be hidden, surely? It goes on with more AI generated jargon including phrases such as caught between justice and personal consequence, the path forward, and leaves a lasting weight.
Leaves a lasting weight…? What, like too many cream cakes?
I was then asked a couple of questions, including: how did you keep Jack’s emotional core grounded without losing momentum in the plot’s twists?
Answer: You tell me – you purport to have read the book.
Then we get to the meat of the thing with: I help authors build ripple-effect visibility…
Ripple-effect visibility?
Apparently, my story has emotional depth beneath genre. Sorry, love, don’t understand.
I’d be glad to send over a visibility outline…
A what outline? I looked it up and am none the wiser. I’ve heard of visible panty line; it comes about after eating too many cream cakes and creating a lasting weight that ripples beneath.
Anyway… I replied with a couple of questions and a lot of cynicism, had another reply, and then followed that up with ‘So, what’s the cost?’ To which I received a breakdown of levels of ‘support’ and how much I could expect to pay for each one, and it was all so well written, I had to reach for a glossary:
In-depth alignment assessment. Custom reader discovery map. Quiet outreach. Curated spaces with reflective readers. Organic outreach. Immersive visibility layer. Ongoing traction. Gentle book visibility audit. And my fave: 30-day soft ripple tracking. I am now thinking of ice cream.
If pressed to respond to this softly rippling enquiry into whether I want to waste money, I shall reply, Do us a favour, love. I ain’t stupid.
On the same day, I received another email from someone with a strangely similar-but-different name. This one was about my godfather’s biography, ‘Bobby,’ and began:
I knew Bobby: A Life Worth Living was more than memoir. It’s a testimony. Raw, rich, and revelatory.
I can’t even say the word revelatory without breaking it down. Re-vel-a-tory. Revel a Tory? Rhymes with la-va-tory. (Well, it does and it doesn’t.)
There then followed a mashup of the blurb which I suspect was created by AI and was clearly based on the blurb I had written by using my own brain and creativity. This was followed by the almost punchline: I run a visibility service…
Oh, here we go. In this case, I was offered a personalized visibility snapshot.
No, not a clue, and I’m not going to ask or even bother to look it up as it’s clearly something to do with corporate publicity speak as spoken by machines and twiddled with by chancers “feeding off vulnerable self-published authors who don’t have the usual publishing house/agent/publicist infrastructure to protect them,” as a friend of mine put it when we discussed the emails. He also suggested “They’re not going to offer you anything you couldn’t organise for yourself with a little bit of work…” and I agree. So, I shall ignore them from now on. In fact, I will mark them as spam in Mailwasher, and if they persist, I shall bounce them back so they can confront their own hidden darkness, and I will do it with an emotional undercurrent that lingers.
It does make me wonder, though, how many people will fall for these scams, and scammers who are being more and more helped by AI. It’s so obvious to me when someone has used Crap GTP to create a paragraph or even an entire email. The writing is just too… too… Well, it’s just not normal. Considering it’s been spewed from a machine, it’s too emotional at times, too florid to have been written by anyone with self-respect. Makes me shudder.
I am starting a new project and sharing one of my novellas. This will appear chapter by chapter over time. (When I can’t think of anything else to write as a blog post.)
I’ve set up a menu page you can click to and find new chapters as and when, and when I work out how to do the drop-down menu, I will add the chapter list to the main menu… Anyway… Honestly is a comedy coming of age novella I wrote after writing the gay/straight bodyswap comedy ‘Remotely’, which stars an enigmatic character called Miss P.
Having cured Shakespeare of writer’s block, Miss P finds herself in the 20th century attending to a similar problem in a small fishing village. The timeless and slightly magical Miss P knows that the only way to solve the problem is to cause a friendship, and the only way to do that is to cause the whole village to speak honestly. As you can imagine, comedy ensues.
Chapter One
“There’s always been something missing from this village, and it ain’t the stink of fish.” Mrs Marigold Lumpsucker, a resident of Carping Bay.
It is a little-known fact that Miss P was the first woman in history to find a cure for writer’s block. The event took place in London, backstage at The Globe Theatre in 1594.
While scouring the fields and lanes of Shoreditch in search of some delicious and potent tobacco leaves, she sensed that something nearby was not as it should be. It didn’t take her long to track down the problem, and she found young Will within minutes. He sat at a small table in the yard, staring at the barn, a quill in one hand and a blank page in the other. She could tell from the air that the man was struggling. If it sounds strange to say that she could sense someone’s difficulty in the air, that’s because she was strange. Unusual, at least.
As Miss P approached, she could see that Will had nothing on his page apart from a title and a few lines. As she read them and pondered, she spied a rolled tobacco leaf on Shakespeare’s table and politely asked if she might try it.
Shakespeare waved his hand as if he were seeing off a fly. He meant that she should help herself, which she did. The yard had the tang of dung about it, and there were flies about. A swarm of them fought over some recent droppings. The sight reminded Miss P of the Siege of Pyongyang, an event she had recently arranged. For the good of everyone, you understand.
She rolled the leaves into a cigar shape and lit it, enjoying the rich taste and the way the smoke tickled her nose. She turned her attention back to the title page of Will’s new work.
‘When is opening night?’ she asked, pointing a slender finger towards the paper.
‘Seven days hence this must be done by, Lady. Else no income shall my company have. ‘’Tween times I must take up arms against the slings and arrows of Richard III, two Shrews and a Titus Andronicus matinee for the elderly.’
‘I see.’ Miss P did see. She saw all kinds of things that no-one else could. That’s why she did what she did. ‘A tragedy?’
‘I do agree, my block is so. And such a sad tragedy it be that I fear this play be nought but a farce. No words hath my quill. No new syllables sprout from my imagination like buds to the dawn. No passion flows in this dead bird’s coat.’ He waggled the feather, slumped his head onto the table and banged it twice.
‘May I…?’ Miss P took the quill from him.
Shakespeare turned his head and opened one eye suspiciously on the elegant, hard-to-age and impossible-to-place lady. She brushed the feather down her cheek while studying his words. He snapped his eye shut when she caught him looking.
‘I don’t think the world is quite ready for this. That is your problem.’
He raised his head to her. ‘My problem, handsome stranger, is that I find scene one a mountain as impenetrable as Olympus. There is nothing here.’ He beat his fist against his head.
Miss P drew in another drag of the burning leaves. As she let the smoke out, she angled it towards the playwright. A thin wisp snaked away from the cloud and spiralled before Will’s face. He crossed his eyes to focus and gasped. It was a dark green colour with flecks of sparkling silver. As he opened his mouth to ask what this lady had done to his tobacco, he inhaled the smoke and coughed.
‘May I suggest we address the title?’ said Miss P. ‘Once that’s found, you will see that the story unlocks itself.’
Shakespeare looked at the title. ‘But this, smoke-angel, be the tale my heart aches to tell. There be riches in this story. Worth in all its mighty forms, honour as worthy as Prince Hal at Agincourt. This tale must be told.’ He was adamant on the subject.
‘Indeed, it will, Mr Shakespeare,’ Miss P assured him. ‘But in time. The story you ache to write now will be possible in years to come. And yes, your story will throw light through the world like dawn breaking through yonder window. But, alas, the good people of Shoreditch, to say nothing of Her Majesty, are not yet ready for a tragic love story about,’ she checked the page, ‘Romeo and Julius.’
Shakespeare groaned and sat back in his chair.
‘Sad but true,’ Miss P continued. ‘But this is not the time or place to break this kind of ground.’
‘It is meant a comedy.’ Will snatched the paper from her. ‘It be not what it seems. Two old friends, both alike in dignity, are at war with each other. Magic intervenes, and they wake up realising they are no longer in their own bodies but in those of each other…’
‘And to get back, they must learn how it is to be each other. One man is destined to be a father, and the other to love only men. Yes, a most engaging plot, and yes, there is a remote chance that story will be told. But not now.’ She was also quite adamant on the subject.
A few more strands of smoke drifted from her near-spent leaves and found their way into Will’s nostrils.
‘And you suggest?’
‘Romeo and Juliet, perhaps? A love story. No, the love story.’
‘Oh, Madam. You are thrusting greatness upon me.’ Shakespeare rubbed his beard. He glanced from Miss P to the page.
‘Some are born to it, Mr Shakespeare,’ she said. ‘While others…’
She offered the quill, he took it, and for a moment they held it together. His body trembled. His eyes flashed wide, and his lips moved. She released the quill, and it flew to the page where Shakespeare scratched inspired words.
‘Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair London, where we lay our scene…’ he spoke as he wrote, the story falling into his mind like gold from a cut purse.
Miss P smiled. The yard smelt so much cleaner now. The air was crisp and had a delicious tang of cigar about it. She was ready to leave, but there was still one thing unsettled. She reached into the bag that hung from her elbow and took out a small glass figurine. She put it on the page, right where Will was scribbling. He drew back.
‘What’s this?’
‘I picked it up on some recent travel. You should keep it. It’s just an elephant made from jade. It will make sure you never forget your words again.’
‘Well, gracious kind, and my heart accepts the warmthness of your gift, Madam.’
‘Maybe, in return, I could…?’ Miss P plucked a quill from Shakespeare’s tankard.
‘It is old and worn, but thine with thanks,’ he said, and dipped a superior nib into his ink.
‘By the way,’ Miss P added as she turned to leave. ‘I bought it in Verona.’ She paused for emphasis and stuck the feather in her hat. ‘Fair Verona?’
‘Of course!’ Will was back to his writing. ‘Nobody dies for love in London.’ He started the scene again.
That was the last time Miss P saw him. It was the last time she needed to.
You might have been following this story on my Facebook page or on BlueSky, but in case you don’t use social media…
Recently, I spent ages making up a short reel to put on my social media, and it showed the first few Delamere books with static images, covers, text, etc, over some mysterious music. Having done that, I realised I wasn’t very good at it and it was time-consuming, so I thought I’d find an artist via People Per Hour and pay someone to put together one for the Clearwater mysteries. I chose a guy who lives and works in Sri Lanka, we had a chat about it, and he set to work on the first five books because all 10 or 11 would have meant a whole film. I was expecting a similar thing to the reel I’d made, but what came back was nearly two minutes of adventure, as you will see in a minute.
There are only a couple of things that are a little awkward about this. The first is that I think Facebook cuts off the reel at 90 seconds, so we miss the last of the video unless you find it under my videos, rather than reels. The second is the voice. We tried a British narrator voice but, tbh, the best he could find sounded like someone who’d been in a punch up and was still pissed from a week last Saturday. Most of my readership (70% approx.) is in the USA in any case, so we went back to the gravy American VO voice. I will post the English voice version on my social media soon so you can hear it. Obviously, the artist used AI to help him create the images, but the AI debate is for another day. I’m just putting this here so those who don’t follow me on social media can take a look. Enjoy!
