I was just browsing through a file I found under ‘Clearwater’ and which is titled ‘sketches.’ I hadn’t realised that over the past few years, I have commissioned 22 sketches of characters and items associated with the Clearwater, Larkspur and Delamere series (not including two maps). I was wondering who to have sketched for the inside of the next book, ‘Grave Developments.’
It strikes me that although I have a drawing of James Wright, it’s slightly different to the others because it’s an ‘action’ drawing.
James Wright
Maybe I should find that face again and have my artist do me a standard, ‘Dalston Blaze’ portrait as I’ve done with the others. Here’s one of my favourites:
Mrs Norwood
Dazz, as my artist is known has also drawn a couple of story-related items which aren’t characters. My favourite of these is this one:
The mysterious Larkspur standing stones.
These played a large part in the second Larkspur book, ‘Keepers of the Past,’ as you might remember.
Now working on the Delamere Files, we have had images of Jack and Will Merrit, Larkin Chase and Ned Maddiver. I have to say, Jack’s drawing makes him look a bit rough, but then, when the series starts, he is working 18 to 20 hours a day driving his cab, looking after his ‘special’ brother and trying to pay off debts and avoid eviction, so there’s no wonder. Maybe, I should ask Dazz to draw him as he is by book six?
Or maybe we’ll have a sketch of James…?
Tell you what, with a growing cast of Delamere characters, let me know who you’d like to see a sketch of. We’ve not yet seen Max Pascoe, Benjamin Baxter, Simeon or Ronny Felman, or Mrs Sparks. Send me an email soon because with draft one approaching the 80,000-word mark, I will soon be commissioning a new drawing from Dazz, who – should you need an artist – you can find on Fiverr as DazzlingDezigns.
Meanwhile, today’s promo link takes you to some spooky, mysterious, action-thriller adventure set in all times and places. Have a click and enjoy the browsing.
Hello, and welcome to a catch-up blog post. First today’s news…
A Case of Make Believe is back from the layout guys. I have been through it, and it looks great. Apart from the fantastic cover, there is an image of the new character which I’ve had drawn, and the only thing missing is the title of the next book in the series. That will be added when I have thought of it.
If all goes as it usually does, the book will be ready today or tomorrow, and I will post the link when I have it.
This one has got off to a mysterious start and even I don’t know where it is leading. It will have something to do with photography, though. Already, we have an opening that is slightly farcical but makes sense, and it’s one of those stories that starts a little way in and then goes back to the beginning. So, after chapter one, I currently have ‘X days earlier’ and the story starts from there with Jack at his desk, rather bored with doing the CID’s cold cases, and hoping for something more exciting to come along.
It does, and it does so in the shape of a Congregationalist minister who has found a body in Abney Park Cemetery in Stoke Newington.
Yes, I know you’d expect to find a body in a cemetery, but not one in a shallow grave, and not one who died ten years earlier and yet looks like it died only a day ago. So, we’ve started off with a right old mystery which, by chapter four, thickens when the detectives (all four) visit the scene to find the body has deteriorated since that morning…
Don’t worry, I will find a way out of this. It will involve some kind of chemical reaction, like a photograph, and I think Doc Markland will have to be brought in.
Meanwhile, Jack has a new team of horses called Moonlight and Silver, though he still has Shadow, of course, and Mrs Norwood next door has her own stable hand and groom again.
Romance Promos
You might like to take a look at the titles in these two romance promos, if you haven’t already. There may be some new authors and titles for you to read there.
I was talking last Saturday about ‘A Case of Make Believe’ the working title of Delamere five which I am now working on. The update is that I am now over 22,000 words in and approaching the end of act one. I know how the story will end, I know certain things that will happen along the way, but I’m not yet sure how we’re going to get there. That’s the fun part as I wade through acts two and three before getting to the climax in act four.
Four Act Structure
Most of my stories are constructed this way, and a very rough outline would look like this:
Act one Ordinary day, a case comes in, everything needed is gathered
Emotional story set up
Act two We’re off into the case and encounter problems and friends
Emotional story develops
Act three After a midway twist, the story picks up a little pace
As does the emotional through line (if it’s important)
Act four We’ve hit a crisis which leads to a climax and denouement
Reflected by the emotional story tie up or make up etc.
That is a very, very basic outline of a classic four-act structure, and you will see it in about 75% of all films (I don’t know the real number, but it’s a lot). There are other structures, but this is the one I favour. The hard part is filling in acts two and three without it reading as though they are just filling. That’s why there’s usually an emotional line too. In ‘Where There’s a Will’ it was the relationship between Marisco and Newt, in ‘Finding a Way’ it’s Jack accepting he’s gay and starting to fall for Larkin. And so on.
Other Things
While I am beavering away on the typowriter, I am also promoting the books, and that’s what I have for you here. The 19th Century Historical Fiction promo has ended, and my readers contributed 40 or so hits to the page, so we may well have helped 40 books gain more publicity. There are three still running though, and they are on until the end of the month. I know I’ve mentioned them before, but that’s my part of the bargain. I participate with other authors, and we share each other’s work via these promo pages. As usual, they cost nothing to browse, and in some cases, all books are on KU while all are on Amazon.
Click the Pics
If you’re in the mood for some steamy MM romance you could try All The Feels:
If you want more crime and gritty stories from all eras, try All Crime July:
If you fancy something spooky and fantastic, then Riveting Reads is for you:
Today, I thought I’d put up the first paragraph(s) of each of the Clearwater Mysteries, plus a link to the book’s Amazon page. If the series is new to you, you can find out some more info about each book from The Clearwater Mysteries page, and the link is in the menu.
First, here’s a reminder of a promo that’s running via Book Funnel. Historical mystery, action, adventure, and a few select titles and authors you may not have tried before. Click the pic to see the full list.
And now, the opening chapters of each of the 11 Clearwater books starting with the prequel (which isn’t really a mystery).
Andrej
Late summer, 1881 Serbka, Ukraine
Andrej waited until the darkest hour before he untied his wrists with his teeth, and freed his feet from the knots. Leaving the children to their troubled dreams, he slipped silently from beneath the cart, and crawled towards the older men and widows sleeping beneath the trees. Alert, he fixed his eyes on Blumkin. The man had taken his knife, and Andrej was not leaving without it.
Silas Hawkins was searching for coins in an East End gutter when a man four miles distant and ten years older sealed his fate. Silas had no idea that the discussion taking place concerned him, or that it was even happening. He wouldn’t know the details for some time, but even if he had heard the conversation, he wouldn’t have believed it. It wouldn’t have concerned him if he had, because Silas wasn’t the kind of youth to shy from a challenge, not even one that might threaten his life.
James Joseph Wright was born on January 10th, 1863 at the precise moment the world’s first underground train delivered its passengers to Farringdon station. As the locomotive puffed and fumed from the tunnel, James’s mother, some four miles distant, puffed and fumed through her own first delivery.
The Times, Thursday, December 1st, 1888 Opera House Gala
Famed countertenor, Mr Cadwell Roxton is to make his debut appearance at the Opera House in “Aeneas and Dido”, an acclaimed if unusual work by Austro-German composer, Johann Bruch. Mr Roxton was the sensation of the 1887 Paris season, following that triumph with another in Leipzig the subsequent spring. His debut at our opera house this month will herald the beginning of what this publication hopes will be an illustrious career on the opera stage for a countryman returning home from his studies after training in the conservatoires of Europe.
On the night of December 17th, 1888, a stinging north wind buffeted the city forcing all but the bravest to stay in their homes. Whether that home was a dosshouse in the East End or a villa abutting Saint Matthew’s Park, whatever protection could be found from shutters and curtains was employed to keep back the icy blasts. The day dawned with a silvery sky, but the weak winter sun stood no chance against the mass of heavy cloud that rolled in from the north to swamp the entire country before delivering, in parts, blankets of snow and ice. By the evening, livestock had frozen in their stables, the mainline railways became impassable, and in the darker, unwanted parts of the city, thirty-two deaths occurred before nightfall “From ill weather”.
Folkestone Harbour, April 1889
As he waited for his visitor to arrive, Benjamin Quill squinted at the society pages of the national newspaper with his one good eye. It was an edition from the previous week, but he didn’t require the news to be up to date, knowing that once such an announcement was made, it would remain unchanged, barring serious accident or death. Last year, he had suffered the former, and that had led him to plan the latter. Not his own death, of course, and not that of Clearwater, that delight would come in time.
London, July 1889
Henry Beddington had served as the concierge at the National Gallery since 1865 and took great pride in the fact that, despite the large number of visitors passing through its doors each day, there had never been any trouble in his foyer. Keeping watch over the entrance from his counter on a sunny morning in July, he had no reason to suspect that today would be any different.
27th July 1889. Kingsclere House,Hampshire
Jasper Blackwood’s life changed beyond recognition on the morning of 27th July 1889. The previous night, he had gone to bed unaware of correspondence exchanged between a viscount and a footman, a butler and a housekeeper. As he fell exhausted onto his straw mattress in his basement anteroom, he fully expected to wake at six, and set about the next day’s duties exactly as he had performed every day for the last seven years. It was not to be.
Clearwater House, London September 1889
Jasper’s eyes were on the clock while his hands frantically polished Lord Clearwater’s riding boots, but his mind was on Billy and an organ recital. Beyond the boot room, the clattering in the kitchen told him Mrs Roberts was rushing to stock the pantry and fill the cold shelves, the persistent clip of Harvey’s shoes passing back and forth told him the cases were coming down to the coach, and a proclamation from Mr Payne left no doubt there were only fifteen minutes left before the viscount was due to leave. Throwing down the buffing cloth, he carried the now gleaming boots into the servants’ passage in time to meet Harvey returning from the yard.
The Pall Mall Gazette, Fourth Edition December 4th, 1889
THE INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC. Two London Cases.
Thousands of sufferers in Berlin.
Something very like the influenza epidemic which is raging in St. Petersburg has now spread to Berlin, and thousands are down with it. The epidemic is (a Helsingfors telegram says) still spreading. Everybody one meets has either had or is expecting to succumb to the malady. Editors apologise for the delay in issuing their newspapers, and the scanty news in them. Letters remain undelivered, the postmen being sick. Offices are closed for want of clerks. The illness is preceded by two or three days of lassitude. Then fever breaks out at half an hour’s notice, and increases rapidly for six or eight hours, and is accompanied by delirium, headache, a swelling sensation in the joints, irritation of the throat, pain in the limbs, and a teasing cough.
Rasnov Castle, Transylvania
January 1890
Snow whipped the ancient fortification, caught in the vicious gusts of an unforgiving north wind. Stolen from the pine forests and thrown across the plain, it swirled against the castle walls where it collected in fissures and made its home, there to wait for spring before releasing its glacial grip. Some gathered in the arrow slits and window recesses, clinging to the bars and caking the shutters. Flurries torn from the masonry were buffeted to the roof, coating the tiles in peaks as jagged as the surrounding Carpathians, and some found their way through the rotting wood and mortar cracks to dust the sills and embrasures.
If you’ve come here looking for a great historical mystery to read, I’ve again got the perfect thing for you. Not only my own books, which you can find on my Clearwater Mysteries page, and not only The Larkspur Mysteries which continue in the Clearwater world with new characters taking centre stage and established characters supporting, but also Finding a Way, the first in the new Delamere Files series.
Plus, all the books currently available in Kindle Unlimited in this excellent Book Funnel promotion:
K. C. Sivils, A. H. Wang, Y. G. Knight, and authors without initials, such as Rose Donovan and Nadya Frank, all have titles on offer here, along with my series starters, Deviant Desire (Clearwater), Guardians of the Poor (Larkspur), and Finding a Way (Delamere).
Astute readers might notice that my series titles are the names of three of Lord Clearwater’s homes; Clearwater House, London, Larkspur Hall, Cornwall, and Delamere House, the next-door, sister property to Clearwater House in Knightsbridge. Why? I don’t know, it just seemed like the sensible thing to do. When I first came up with the property names, I never thought I would be creating three series around them, but that’s what happened, and I’m glad it did. When writing the Larkspur Mysteries, and bringing in Lady Marshall’s country home, I thought carefully about the name of the place, having in mind the idea I may set another series there in the future. That’s why I came up with Stoneridge Castle. I was thinking of something spookier, still mysterious, maybe steampunk-ish, and based around Hope & Hyde from the Larkspur Academy. If I ever do, you will be the first to know. Meanwhile, back to this Book Funnel promo and all the delights that go with it: Self-pub mysteries with an historical background, all available in KU, so you can easily add them to your library, also available in other formats if you aren’t in KU and want to buy and all at discounted or very reasonable prices.
There. That should set you up for a few weeks. Meanwhile, I am currently editing and rewriting the final chapters of ‘A Fall from Grace’, the Delamere Files book two, and have it booked in with Anne Atwood, my long-suffering and rather excellent proofreader for the first days of October. This weekend, I must start thinking about the cover so that, in a couple of weeks, I can let you know when this next book will be ready for you.
Have a good weekend, check in on Wednesday for the regular work-in-progress update, and above all, keep reading!
If you are looking for a great Historical mystery to read, you might want to check out this list of titles on this Book Funnel promo. They are all in KU, so won’t cost anything, but even if you’re not in KU, a click on a cover will take you to the cover and blurb and on to that book’s Kindle or print-version page so you can order a copy.
As you can see, Guardians of the Poor is on the list (along with the other two series starters, Deviant Desire and Finding a Way.) I was really pleased to see Guardians has already picked up over 70 interactions on Amazon, has a review score average of 4.6 there and on Goodreads (not that I have much faith in these things), and the reviews continue to be favourable. This, I hope, bodes well for the success of the Delamere series.
I am still editing book two, and today will contact my proofreader to find a suitable date to start proofing. I must then turn my mind to a cover idea and get in touch with Andjela. After that, the process will rumble on until sometime in October when the second in the Delamere series will be released. In the meantime, head over to the promo and pick up some other historical mysteries from some very talented authors.
The theme of the promo is historical mystery, and the required theme is: The plot must centre around historical events and locations AND have a mystery or crime involved.
Well, as soon as I saw that, I thought of everything from Deviant Desire to Guardians of the Poor and beyond.
The Clearwater Mysteries
These stories start in 1888, with Deviant Desire centred around the Ripper murders of 1888, and continuing into Twisted Tracks. Then comes, the Royal Opera House season of the same year in Unspeakable Acts, and as the series continues, we have all manner of historical events and locations, including, the Lyceum Theatre (1889) and the Cleveland Street Scandal, not to mention the characters, Henry Irving, Bram Stoker, Sir Arthur Sullivan and others of the time.
The Larkspur Mysteries
The follow-on series does the same, starting with life in the Hackney workhouse, and various real-life locations from 1890 onwards, the standing stones of Cornwall, historic inventions and science, the railways, and various real-life trials and scandals.
The Delamere Mysteries
Beginning in 1892, this series is separate from the Larkspur Mysteries, but continues from the same time in the same world, with some of the same characters making appearances, but it focuses on three new MCs who will drive the future stories forward. There’s certainly a mystery and some thrills in ‘Finding a Way’, and also a lot of historical accuracy, particularly around the life of Jack Merrit, a London cabbie.
The Promo
As you’ll see if you head to the promo page, there are mysteries and thrillers set in various times throughout history. There are novels by Olivia Le Roux, K C Sivils, and Joni Swift among others including myself, with stories set in various time periods with the 1930s in particular being popular.
All titles are available on KU, so if you’re already subscribed to Kindle Unlimited, they won’t cost you a penny. If not, you can still get them at prices ranging from $0.99 to $3.99 ($9.99 for the box sets).
Check out the promo through the following link, and add some more historical, mystery and thriller reading to your list.
Finding a Way is the first book in the new Delamere Files series, and today, you can see the full cover for the first time.
This series begins in June 1892, six months after the Larkspur Mysteries ended. It is set in the Clearwater world of late Victorian England, and some characters from the Clearwater and Larkspur mysteries appear or are mentioned, but they are not the main cast.
If you have read the Clearwater collection, you will know that Delamere House is the property next door to Clearwater House in London. It is where Lady Marshall used to live, and the building is owned by Lord Clearwater. In the early 1890s, it became the headquarters for the Clearwater Detective Agency under James Wright and is also the house where Joe Tanner and Dalston Blaze live. The house appears later in ‘Finding a Way’, and will feature more as the series continues.
However, ‘Finding a Way’ is not about Delamere House, it is about Jack Merrit, a young London cabbie with a heap of challenges who finds himself unwittingly involved in the solving of a crime. Around this central story is a story of self-acceptance, coming out (as we’d call it these days), and a very slow-burn love story that will develop through several of the books to come.
‘Finding a Way’ will be available in August, and I will let you know when it is published. Meanwhile, here is the blurb as it stands now, and below that, the title. Click on the title to see the cover and meet two of the cast.
Finding a Way
The Delamere Files book one
It began with a man sobbing in the night.
Twenty-five-year-old Jack Merrit struggles to make a living as a London cabbie, and when he is robbed by a fare, he can see no future for himself and his beloved younger brother, Will.
Enter Larkin Chase. A dashing writer of social observations and a man in search of love. After learning Jack’s story, Larkin sees the chance for him to earn a twenty-pound reward. All he has to do is identify the pair of crooks that robbed him.
The crooks, however, are at the top of the heap of a notorious East End gang who know no boundaries when it comes to silencing a witness. With Jack’s world crumbling around him, he is drawn to Larkin by an unnatural desire which he must either fight or allow if he is to see justice done and win his reward. When an equally dashing young detective arrives on the scene, Jack’s life becomes even more complicated, and when the criminal gang exact their revenge, he is set on a life-or-death quest that will forever change his life. Or end it.
Happy Pride Month everyone. I know Pride Day is celebrated on 28th June, but I’m getting in an early celebration and announcing The Mentor of Barrenmoor Ridge is free today, 24th. That’s given me an excuse to write a little about how the Mentor books came about and to tell you a little about each one, in the order they were written. (Click the covers or links to go directly to each book’s Amazon page.)
Free today
The Mentor of Wildhill Farm
Apart from ‘Other People’s Dreams’ which I wrote years ago, The Mentor of Wildhill Farm was my first foray into writing novels as Jackson Marsh. I had previously written several novels as James Collins, and all but one has a gay character or characters, but none of them were specifically ‘gay novels.’ You can check them out on my other Amazon page here. I had been writing gay erotica for a few websites and magazines and thought, ‘Why not make a novel out of it?’ Being me, there had to be more of a story, so I invented a situation which will appeal to anyone who likes a bit of older/younger, age-gap romance and heat, and made it something of a fantasy. A sexual one rather than one with mythical creatures.
An older man has carte blanche to mentor four (18+) younger guys in their creative and sexual skills. That’s the story, and there’s a little romance in there too. It’s the hottest of the four Mentor books for sure, and a crossover from my writing of erotica to more mainstream gay lit.
The Mentor of Barrenmoor Ridge
This came next, and for inspiration, I drew on a place and activity I knew well in my younger days. A remote Yorkshire Fell, and mountaineering. This book is more romance mixed with adventure, which is something I do a lot, and although there is a slow build to the heat, the heat is not a major part of the book. It’s about dealing with loss, accepting someone new, and there’s a fair amount of mountain rescue, enforced isolation, and a little bit of a villain Vs hero thrill line.
For a reason I’ve never discovered, Barrenmoor Ridge really took off when first published. Its success boosted me to carry on as Jackson and write more, and from that initial publicity came my proofreader, with whom I still work today. Barrenmoor is on my list of top-ten best-selling books, only surpassed by the first four Clearwater books and the first Larkspur novel.
The Mentor of Lonemarsh House
Again, using a location known to me, I set the third book down in Kent, near where I used to live. I was back in the village a couple of years ago, catching up with an old school friend (and illicit teen affair way back when), and not much had changed. The pub, the local church, the farming community, it was all still there and reminded me of my lonely days on the marsh wandering the lanes hoping Mr Right would appear around the next corner. Lonemarsh explores the idea of the younger person being trapped in a small world and needing an escape. When the love interest arrives, though, Jason, the younger of the pair, finds it hard to accept that love with another man is possible.
You might have noticed the similarity in titles. I’ll break them down to make it obvious: Wild Hill Farm. Barren Moor Ridge. Lone Marsh House. Lost Wood Hall.
Adjective suggesting isolation; remote landscape; a setting. All the Mentor books are set in such surroundings.
The Mentor of Lostwood Hall
By now, I was running out of ideas for titles and situations and thought that a fourth book would be the last. You can have too much of a good thing after all. Lostwood is set in Wales, there’s a storm, a lonely man, an isolated old hall, a younger lad on the run from villains, an accident… It has all the classic hallmarks of a Mentor novel, including other characters of dubious sexuality, some humour, and a slow burn to the heat sections, of which, if I remember correctly, there are a couple. I like to think my writing skills and experience had developed, though I am sure there are still many edits I could make if I returned to this novel for a re-edit, as I have recently done with Barrenmoor.
It’s interesting to note that here we have: a rich man and a down and out, villains, a remote castle, a mystery… All aspects which would later form the basis of the Clearwater Mysteries, undoubtedly my best-selling series. Perhaps this is where it all began?
The Students of Barrenmoor Ridge
Two years after The Mentor of Barrenmoor Ridge, when I was halfway through writing the Clearwater series, I suddenly had this idea to do a follow-on from Barrenmoor; to return and see how Gary and John were doing a few years later. Along came the Students… Two 18-year-old best friends are away to celebrate a birthday with a camping trip, and one intends to come out to his friend. Disaster ensues, and who should rescue them but John Hamilton and Gary from the earlier book? Back at Barrenmoor Ridge, Gary and John then end up mentoring the younger couple as they deal with their coming out and change in friendship.
This book has one of my favourite lines made comedic by the situation. It’s something like: ‘We’re hanging eighty feet off the edge of a cliff, and you ask me this now?’
You’ll have to read it to understand why.
Free for Pride – The Mentor of Barrenmoor Ridge
So, just a reminder that the Kindle is free for today only. I have recently re-edited it to make minor improvements, so if you’ve already bought a copy, you can have this updated version for free, on me. So, follow the link, and look out for the giveaway. If you feel like it, please also share this page, the book’s page, and this news in any social media group you might belong to. Thanks!
Back on Wednesday with an update on the next novel.
Today, I want to say that it’s fine to improve your own work no matter when it was written or published.
‘The Mentor of Barrenmoor Ridge’ is my age-gap, MM romance-thriller set on the side of a Derbyshire fell in bad weather and was released in January 2018.
In terms of Kindle sales, this is my 4th best-selling title. In terms of page reads through Kindle Unlimited, it’s the 7th, and in terms of income, it’s the 6th. Above it are the first four Clearwater novels and ‘Guardians of the Poor.’
The ‘Barrenmoor Ridge’ blurb begins thus:
Following the death of his lover, mountaineer John Hamilton lives an isolated existence high on wild Fellborough peak. When he rescues 19-year-old Gary Taylor from the mountain, John can't accept that the boy may be the answer to his heartache. Gary is seventeen years his junior, confused, and being pursued by criminals.
A while ago, my PA suggested I did some tidying up on ‘The Mentor of Barrenmoor Ridge,’ particularly the first few chapters. This was one of my first novels, and I was then, as I am now, still learning the craft.
The other day, I thought I’d drop into it, improve what I can, and eventually, have a second edition which is the same, but more polished.
I had actually started this task some time ago but got no further than the first half a page, because the Larkspur Mysteries series came along.
This morning, I took a look at what I’d done to ‘Barrenmoor’ then, and compared it to the original. Yes, well, ah-hem… there’s certainly some confusion in the opening scene; confusion around whose point of view we are experiencing the story from. It was meant to be John, the main character, but some of the time, it’s as if his friend, Sally, is the lead so that needed addressing. I think, when I was writing it, I wrote one version from her point of view and one from his and ended up mixing the two. It’s fine to use more than one point of view as long as you write in blocks (i.e. don’t change POV every other line) or put in a line break, or use some other technique that makes the switching obvious. I hadn’t done this; I’d bounced back and forth.
Here’s an example; the first 141 words of the original, which starts from John’s point of view, but swiftly changes to someone else (in italics):
John Hamilton was refusing a job at Everest base camp when he caught sight of the youth who was about to change his life. He was also ripping a piece of toast in half with his teeth while reaching for his pint mug of tea. The woman sitting opposite him in the Pot Hole, the climbers' café in Inglestone, was none too impressed that he had left their conversation hanging but assumed that John was considering her offer. After she had watched his confused expression for long enough, she leant across and pushed the piece of toast into his open mouth. 'It's an easy answer, John,' she said, smiling at his reaction. 'And you've got baked beans in your moustache.' John finally returned his gaze to her. 'What?' he said, his body at the table, his mind still across the room.
Looking closer, I also have a problem with the second sentence, because
it starts with ‘He’, and I now try and avoid doing that as it sounds weak, and
because it’s weak, it’s vague, and we might be talking about the younger man across the room. Who is eating toast and drinking tea? Both of them?
My changes come next, and although they are not yet perfect, they are an improvement. Here are what are now the first 144 words.
John Hamilton was refusing a job at Everest base camp when he caught sight of the younger man who would change his life. Their eyes met, and although John was ripping apart a piece of toast and reaching for his pint mug of tea, both actions stopped in a heartbeat. The clatter and chatter around him in the climbers’ café faded, and he would have remained staring in silent awe had his companion not kicked him under the table. Sally appeared none too pleased he’d left their conversation hanging, because she leant across, pushed the piece of toast into his mouth, and said, ‘It’s an easy answer, and you’ve got baked beans in your moustache.’ John stared through her for a second before blinking. ‘What?’ His body was at the table, but his mind remained with who he had just seen.
That, to me, is better because, a) it stays as John’s point of view, therefore, b) it flows better, and c) it’s a little more intriguing. Does John know this younger man? (His mind remained with who he had just seen.) There is also the added attraction of naming his companion, Sally, rather than calling her ‘the woman’ as if he didn’t know who she was. I’ve also cut the detail about the café name and location, because that’s not vital and we’ll come to learn that information later. You’ll note I have left the opening line more or less intact. I rather like the way it mixes Everest Base Camp, refusing a job there, a younger man, a moment between two main characters, and ‘who would change his life,’ setting up what’s to come. I changed ‘youth’ to ‘younger man’ because it sounds less patronising.
The point of this is to highlight that it’s fine to return to an older work and improve it. We learn as we go, and because you can change your Amazon-uploaded files at any time, yet still keep the ISBN number and details, you can improve your work whenever you want. (As long as you don’t substantially change the story or title; in that case, you would need a new ISBN and would have to publish it as if it were a new book.) Revising those 141 words took me about half an hour, and I’m still not 100% happy, but I’ll continue when I can, and improve my ‘number five’ best seller bit by bit when I have time.
(Note from PA, “I love this opening, far more readable and the intrigue seed is planted leaving me wanting more. Bravo.”)
